No one said it was easy

No one ever told me life would be easy. No one ever told me I'd meet the man of my dreams at age 25, fall madly in love, and live the happy life. No one ever promised me eternal happiness, I just expected it. Expectations have led me to many many many disappointments. Being the quick learner that I am, I decided to stop expecting. I did that, and now... well.. I expect the unexpected and I receive it. So what's worse.. expecting the absolute best and being disappointed, or expecting the unexpected and being disappointed. Either way, I end up disappointed at some level. Life is beautiful and I can't get dragged down in the craziness of it all. I need to maintain my focus.. I am easily distracted by better feeling thoughts.. and beings.. and I am very affected by others.. Or maybe I am that affected by myself. Who knows. All I know is I am struggling with my boundaries. I met someone who I thought was a lot of fun.. only to find out that he is in a whirlwind mess.. and it's hard for me to handle his stress and my own. He hasn't asked me to at all but by default I just kind of am thrown into it. in the end.. it's my choice as to whether or not I want to care too much.. but sadly, I like him a lot. He's a lot of fun.. and we have fun together. Granted.. I could probably have fun with someone else too.. but I haven't felt that way about someone in a long time. I haven't let down the guards in a long time.. and now I do and it's just a mess. So messy that i should probably close that door. I'm having a hard time doing that. What is it that I want? I want the companionship that he brings. He listens.. I would like to be with someone who pays close attention to me.. and what I am sayin and who understands. I'm not sure he understands and I know he has alot of things he needs to deal with. I can't do any of it for him... so here I am again.. knowing I need to walk away.. and hurting because I know i have to. This time it's different, this time I really don't want to. Maybe i'm not done yet? But I know I said everything I needed to say. We're spending a weekend apart and maybe something will come of the time apart.. a new sense of clarity.. something. This is depressing.. and it shouldn't be.. because it's not my life.. I've just allowed it to be. Funny how that can happen. I need sleep.

Unexpected

Death is never what you really thought it would be. Sometimes it sneaks up behind you and sometimes you have months to prepare for it. Sometimes it's tragic and sometimes it's peaceful and really you never know how it will all end. Today I heard one of my high school classmates was shot and killed just 40 minutes away. Apparently there was an altercation a few nights prior which then resulted in a confrontation leaving the classmate shot in the chest. It's hard for me to imagine. I remember him being a trouble maker but also just so funny. He was an attractive guy, good head on his shoulders. I didn't know him much, I just knew of him. He was always in my homeroom... and now he's gone to the other side. I wish him the best over there.. and I know all is well. He will be fine... he's just not here anymore and that's hard to understand. His time came much before anyone thought it would. He didn't have a chance to say good bye and many of his friends and family didn't get the chance to let him know they loved him and always will. This just confirms that it's important to take the time to let everyone know you care. Really death isn't supposed to be this tragic. If we all, including myself would just understand it's only exiting your physical body that's the problem.. the spiritual realm is ever present and we've never left.

Letting go and the law of attraction

I've been practicing the law of attraction for a year or so. I forget that I should be focusing on the greatness of my life.. start feeling sorry for myself and then do things that make me feel worse. Last night I went on a date with someone I don't want to see, communicated with another individual I don't want to see, and then interacted with another individual that obviously doesn't match who I am as a person. So why does one do this? I guess to fill the void. The void that cannot be filled with random people living random lives that I hope to have eventually turn into being something meaningful.. even when I know there is no chance. I guess the void is that of wanting to love and be loved. The problem is, when I engage in activities that are against my true self, I get further away from that which makes me feel alive and real and valued as a human being. From this day forward, I will honor myself. I will honor myself and remind myself constantly that I am deserving of love. I am deserving of being with someone that is emotionally available to be involved. I am deserving of being someone's everything, rather than someone's something. I am deserving of living the life that I've always wanted to live. I am deserving of life in all it's beauty. I am deserving of seeing life for what it is meant to be, and that is joyous.

All in all, my life is absolutely beautiful.... I have a humble, comfortable place to call home.. and I enjoy it. I am educated and becoming more educated. I am almost done with my master's degree. I meet some amazingly talented people through my friends and school.. and I am loved by many. There's no need to hang on to the past an any regret. There is only a need to move foward. One foot ahead of the other. Life is absolutely what you make of it. There's no time like now. Here.. and now. This is my life... isn't it beautiful?

Here I go again...

So is that choking feeling the feeling of needing to let go? Or is that choking feeling just a reminder of what was and is no longer? Is that chocking feeling just a piece of me wanting to move on faster than I physically am? Is that chocking feeling the very firm reminder that I can do better than this? Is that choking feeling just a little nudge to move to better thoughts, better people, and better focus? Is that choking feeling just my internal self reminding my physical self that there is more to life than what I am looking at for the moment? I think so. I need to let go, move on, and realize there is so much more. I need to open my eyes and see what I already know is there. I need to move forward without even considering looking back. As soon as I look back, even for a moment, I get a choking feeling. So here I go.. forward.. not backward. Moving in the direction I know is right for me and always has been.. realizing that people never really do change but there are people out there that match who you are and where you're headed... remembering to have faith in the little things and the belief will become a reality if I give it a chance... moving on... once and for all.. moving on. There is no reason to turn back. Life is only as amazing as we allow it to be... here we go.. here I go. Full steam ahead.. my destiny is for the making... and there's a white canvas that needs some painting.

I'm not sure how mindful this muttering will be.. more than likely it'll be far from mindful but I'll just run with it. The last few days have been less than enjoyable on so many fronts. I've been betrayed again.. by members of my "family." I use that term very loosely. My sister in law isn't a welcome member of my family. Unfortunately my brother welcomed her without consulting anyone else and life has been a mess on and off since then. I have to find a way to let her stuff go. She is not the reason I am who I am.... I need to just focus on me and spend a lot less time and energy worrying about why she is the way she is. This will never change. I can only continue to be who I am. I'm going to focus on a solution to this problem and forgive myself for the way I handled some of it.

The solution to this problem will be my brother and i having a very honest conversation about what this is really about. I'm ready to be done with his drama and it's his.. not mine.. so if this is the crap she wants to deal with and he's willing to tolerate it.. then I guess there's nothing I can do. I can continue to successfully live my life and move on. My life has so many great things.. I just have to focus on those..

life goes on..

And so it is... just what i thought it would be...

Nothin's goin to change my world. Nothing is going to change my world.. except me. So today marks the day that I continue to put myself first and remind myself that no one deserves to be ahead of me. This is how it has been and will be for quite some time. There is no reason that it should be any different. For whatever reason I allow that to happen inermittantly and then I wonder why I can't find my groundin. Now I've found my grounding again, I think i'll be ok. All of this just gets pretty old and then I realize that I did it again. I should really just keep all of this in mind when I am attempting to move forward with my life. Don't jus tleave me hanging on. Back up back up... take another chance. Don't just leave me hangin on. I'll be better off .. better off.. without you boy. I shouldn't have to think that song.. ever. I already know I made the right decision for myself so I am free again. Which is where I need to be. Life.. is what I make of it. So I'm going to make the masterpiece I have been dreamin of all this time. I've met a few men.. left a few men... had some want to hang on.. let go while they held on.. and here I am again.. with myself. I am my own best friend. No one else can be what I am to myself.. so I better start treating myself how I'd want to be treate.d Without that, there's nothing. This isn't too hard to figure out. However, I seem to forget this every now and then. I'm old enough now that I don't really need that reminder anymore. This is a very good thing. I know this... and I come back to knowin it.. again and again. Showing myself the ultimate respect is the only way anyone else will follow through with my desires. This is the truth. So, I need to just continue to do that. I'm good at it. I'm only as good as I allow myself to be. The things I want to do now are.. get back to doing my yoga... play my piano, take a yoga class, take a dance class, start going to the gym again, rollerblade outside, bike outside, take pictures around town. Do things that help me be me. What I have been doing isn't it. Remember that.

Wouldn't it be nice...

Wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who thinks I am as amazing as I think they are.. and who adores me the way I adore them. Someone who appreciates all the little things and my sense of humor. Wouldn't it be nice with someone who is taller than me and loves life as much as I do? Wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who is adventurous and wants to experience life to the fullest? Wouldn't it be nice for this someone to have goals and dreams and believe that they can achieve them. Wouldn't it be nice if this person also believed in me as much as I believe in myself? Wouldn't it be nice if this someone believed in my dreams as I do? Wouldn't it be nice if I was able to love this this person with pure passion and if we were both in harmony with our true beings? Wouldn't it be nice if this person treated me like a lady all the time and had the ultimate respect for me. Wouldn't it be nice if this person appreciated music, art, and nature as much as I do? Wouldn't it be nice if he appreciated my art of shopping and my ability to decorate and organize as much I as I do? Wouldn't it be nice if this person assisted me in being who I am all the time and had such an amazing connection with me that we could speak without using verbal words? Wouldn't it be nice if when I met this person I just knew, and he did too? Wouldn't it be nice if this happened very soon? Wouldn't it be nice if I allowed him to come into my life and love me the way I love myself? It sure would be.

Confusion and contemplation...

I am to choose my path based on how I feel when I make all choices. This has me wondering what in my life I do that makes me feel perfect. Being aligned with my energy source is the most important piece of me living an abundant and joyous life. What comes to mind is yoga, tai chi, hanin out with Naomi, Jen, my mom.. and the one and only Libby.. she is my angel. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Without them I wouldn't be half of who I am today. I feel as though they remind me who I am and assist me in continuing to be who I am. They see through my worry and fear and remind me that there is a lot of love here for all of us. I need to let go, and let my life lead me downstream. The oars aren't necessary. There is a plan, I've been creating it all of my life. The better I feel, the more I am allowing my life to happen. I didn't come here to get it done, our socieity convinces us that we need to get it done. There is nothing to get done, I need to let go, and let god. Everything is here for me. The drum is beating letting me know that there is love here and I am loved and I am valued. I am here to enjoy the process and the progress in this journey of life is measured by the joy I feel while I"m in the process. I feel that joy when I am outside, when I am near water, when I am helping people. What would I do if I could do things for free? I would create a space for artists to unite and share their passion. I would create a space that would allow art/music shows to come through in a casual way. I would have a dance studio, yoga studio with a quaint coffee shop/cafe on the lower level. The only reason to compare yourself to others is to realize that the rocket of desire that will come forth and the positive emotion that will result by looking at what others have and putting that out there for the universe. I need to start telling the story as I want it to be, not how it always has been. There's so much love here. Life is just a series of great moments... I need to appreciate all of them. There's to be joy at all times. Every day, I need to do what makes me feel the best that I can possibly feel. No matter where I am, I am putting the boat in the water and letting go of the oars. Life began a long time ago, I am going to stop paddling upstream and go with the flow. Doing this I will allow my true self to truly be who I am. There is beauty all around me. I appreciate the fact that I was able to see my smiley beautiful mom today and my wonderful dog. She is always aligned with source appreciating each moment. Life is like a sandbox, and I need to build my castle..and my town... I need to relax and believe in myself. The reason I feeling negative emotion is because it's an indicator that I am not allowing myself to be who I need to be... and who I am. Believe... there is great love here and there is enough for everyone.

New start

There is something comforting about listening to a professor critique someone's paper next to you in a coffee shop. The intelligent conversation spewing from his mouth is pretty amazing. I enjoy listening to the gentleness of his conversation and the encouraging words he's relaying to the person on the phone. It's nice to hear someone so interested in someone else's work and the passion behind the words both written and spoken is something everyone should hear. I'm attempting to start my work for the semester. Another semester has come and the challenges before me are great. The incredible thing is I am not overwhelmed by any of it...I'm comforted by the fact that I get to do this all over again.. a new semester .. new faces... new assignments and and new perspective. Life is way too short not to see the beauty in it all... so here I go again appreciating every second of it along the way.

Appreciation is a great concept. Even if life isn't perfect there are so many things that are. life is far too short to forget even for a second that all things need to be acknowledged in that regard. I appreciate the good friends I have.. the great conversations that take place. The conversations between strangers that evoke smiles in a room. The random comments from a stranger that make life seem more worth while. It's the little things that remind me I am doing exactly what I should be doing with whom I should be doing it and the fullfillment I recieve is purely based on my desire to be doing so. I am leaning towards what I want in life rather than what is given to me. I can have whatever I want... so what is the hold up? Just me... so focus on the good and all good things will happen.