Weekend mumbling..

This weekend has been difficult and emotionally draining. I have cried a few times.. and I'm not too sure why really. It's just one of those weekends that letting go feels like what i need to be doing. There's a lump in my throat and it's been there for days.. every now and then a tear or two slip down my cheek.. really I'd just like to let it all out and start anew. Life can be so beautiful and yet.. sometimes you have to look at the beauty with blurry eyes and eventually it all comes into focus. This weekend has been a blur. I had a great day in class..my professor is one of those people that makes you want to be the best human being you can be.. and to appreciate everything you have in life.. help others.. without any expectation of receiving anything in return. In my world.. I'd love to say that I am doing just that, I'm coming close.. but I'm not there yet. I will get there.. His lecture revolved around three questions..
1. Do you enjoy doing what you are doing? I can answer that an honestly say yes.. I enjoy what I'm doing fundamentally speaking. If I take a step back and look at the whole picture.. I really do. I am helping people at some level... receive the healthcare they need and want... in administrative fashion of course. Sometimes it's difficult to see the end result when you're so bogged down by the negativity you're surrounded with.. and the lack of moral obligation that most have.. the desire they have to receieve the pay check and move along. I'm sure at some level... everyone feels they have a sense of purpose. For me.. I just want to feel that every day. I want to be reminded, even if it's by my own conscienceness, that my purpose is to help people. Whether I am helping them indirectly or directly, I have to do somethin that allows me to help others... i am good at it.. and it's the most rewarding experience I could possibly have. So do I enjoy it? Overall yes. Can I do more to continually enjoy it? Of course i can.. I can remind myself how lucky I am to have the skills and ability to provide what I am able to.. to those that I work with... in the end, the assistance I give.. goes a long way.
2. Do you know where you are going? This is a good question. I am on my way to Madison. That is my goal.. I want to get to a bigger city and have more of an opportunity to serve people on a governmental level. I enjoy health care.. and it's very rewarding, but I am feeling stangant. I want to learn more... so I can do more... I'm seeking out my degree and this position with the government fits perfectly... but if it's not this one.. there's something else out there for me. I am convinced that I will have the opportunity soon to do more. So where am I going? To a larger city... to work in a field more comparable to my degree program... and loving every second of it for the sole reason that I am building a future for myself that revolves around helping others... In the next five years, I will finish my degree program, get my finances in order, find my mister forever and beable to look someone straight in the eyes and say I am happy. I am definitely moving in that direction and I am closer now than I have ever been.... that in and of itself is awesome. It's so incredidble after all these years of wandering to know that I have finally found the path that feels right for me... I wasn't sure it existed, so this is really exciting.
3. Are you happy with the person you're becoming? Finally, after all these years.. I am incredibly happy with the person I am becoming. It's nice to have sorted through all my garbage to find the real me.. beneath all of the hurt, pain, jealousy, and fear, there's me... and none of those make me who i am which is even better. It's hard to let it all fall down, but it's so much better when you do. Now that everything that has been holding me back is gone... I can breath again and move foward without hesitation. I'm getting my wings back.. and I'm ready to fly.... it's been awhile, but I hear it's like riding a bike.. once you've flown.. you never forget how to try again.. so here I go again. I am very very very happy with the person I am becoming.

Trusting..

I am finding it difficult to fully believe that everything will be just as it should be.. soon. The funny thing that I have to remember is everything as it should be now. I am exactly where I need to be now.. there's nothing in this journey of life right now.. except the present. I fall into the trap of looking for tomorrow and I get lost and forget about today. This week has been incredibly trying emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, I didn't get much rest.. and that affects my ability to be tolerant of situations I would normally not even think twice about. So.. I just have to take a deep breath.. take a step back.. and realize that this is the life I have created for myself... and I need to love it. Every last bit of it... that which I do not love.. I need to let go. Sounds easy right? It is... just it's much easier in theory than in practice. I didn't get a chance to do yoga too much this week, the sleep was less than needed, and the food was less that enjoyable.. all week long. Combine all that and yeah I can see why my mood wouldn't be the way it could be... The best thing about this week so far is that I ended up seeing Libby... and spending time with my mom. Those two things make everything feel ok again. So here I am.. letting go.. and letting god. It's a constant reminder that I need to exercise. Music brings me back to where I need to be.. without it I wouldn't be able to get centered and move on again. So.. thankfully I have access to it at almost all times.. if it's not being played on an external device.. I can play it in my head.. I love it.