Weekend mumbling..

This weekend has been difficult and emotionally draining. I have cried a few times.. and I'm not too sure why really. It's just one of those weekends that letting go feels like what i need to be doing. There's a lump in my throat and it's been there for days.. every now and then a tear or two slip down my cheek.. really I'd just like to let it all out and start anew. Life can be so beautiful and yet.. sometimes you have to look at the beauty with blurry eyes and eventually it all comes into focus. This weekend has been a blur. I had a great day in class..my professor is one of those people that makes you want to be the best human being you can be.. and to appreciate everything you have in life.. help others.. without any expectation of receiving anything in return. In my world.. I'd love to say that I am doing just that, I'm coming close.. but I'm not there yet. I will get there.. His lecture revolved around three questions..
1. Do you enjoy doing what you are doing? I can answer that an honestly say yes.. I enjoy what I'm doing fundamentally speaking. If I take a step back and look at the whole picture.. I really do. I am helping people at some level... receive the healthcare they need and want... in administrative fashion of course. Sometimes it's difficult to see the end result when you're so bogged down by the negativity you're surrounded with.. and the lack of moral obligation that most have.. the desire they have to receieve the pay check and move along. I'm sure at some level... everyone feels they have a sense of purpose. For me.. I just want to feel that every day. I want to be reminded, even if it's by my own conscienceness, that my purpose is to help people. Whether I am helping them indirectly or directly, I have to do somethin that allows me to help others... i am good at it.. and it's the most rewarding experience I could possibly have. So do I enjoy it? Overall yes. Can I do more to continually enjoy it? Of course i can.. I can remind myself how lucky I am to have the skills and ability to provide what I am able to.. to those that I work with... in the end, the assistance I give.. goes a long way.
2. Do you know where you are going? This is a good question. I am on my way to Madison. That is my goal.. I want to get to a bigger city and have more of an opportunity to serve people on a governmental level. I enjoy health care.. and it's very rewarding, but I am feeling stangant. I want to learn more... so I can do more... I'm seeking out my degree and this position with the government fits perfectly... but if it's not this one.. there's something else out there for me. I am convinced that I will have the opportunity soon to do more. So where am I going? To a larger city... to work in a field more comparable to my degree program... and loving every second of it for the sole reason that I am building a future for myself that revolves around helping others... In the next five years, I will finish my degree program, get my finances in order, find my mister forever and beable to look someone straight in the eyes and say I am happy. I am definitely moving in that direction and I am closer now than I have ever been.... that in and of itself is awesome. It's so incredidble after all these years of wandering to know that I have finally found the path that feels right for me... I wasn't sure it existed, so this is really exciting.
3. Are you happy with the person you're becoming? Finally, after all these years.. I am incredibly happy with the person I am becoming. It's nice to have sorted through all my garbage to find the real me.. beneath all of the hurt, pain, jealousy, and fear, there's me... and none of those make me who i am which is even better. It's hard to let it all fall down, but it's so much better when you do. Now that everything that has been holding me back is gone... I can breath again and move foward without hesitation. I'm getting my wings back.. and I'm ready to fly.... it's been awhile, but I hear it's like riding a bike.. once you've flown.. you never forget how to try again.. so here I go again. I am very very very happy with the person I am becoming.

Trusting..

I am finding it difficult to fully believe that everything will be just as it should be.. soon. The funny thing that I have to remember is everything as it should be now. I am exactly where I need to be now.. there's nothing in this journey of life right now.. except the present. I fall into the trap of looking for tomorrow and I get lost and forget about today. This week has been incredibly trying emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, I didn't get much rest.. and that affects my ability to be tolerant of situations I would normally not even think twice about. So.. I just have to take a deep breath.. take a step back.. and realize that this is the life I have created for myself... and I need to love it. Every last bit of it... that which I do not love.. I need to let go. Sounds easy right? It is... just it's much easier in theory than in practice. I didn't get a chance to do yoga too much this week, the sleep was less than needed, and the food was less that enjoyable.. all week long. Combine all that and yeah I can see why my mood wouldn't be the way it could be... The best thing about this week so far is that I ended up seeing Libby... and spending time with my mom. Those two things make everything feel ok again. So here I am.. letting go.. and letting god. It's a constant reminder that I need to exercise. Music brings me back to where I need to be.. without it I wouldn't be able to get centered and move on again. So.. thankfully I have access to it at almost all times.. if it's not being played on an external device.. I can play it in my head.. I love it.

Giving.. and receiving

So I had my interview in Madison and everything went really well. It felt really nice to be there in the city. It also feels nice to be where I am. The good thing is this means I am finally happy with who I am and where I am... so the location doesn't have to change for me to continue being happy about it. Amazingly enough it's only taken me 28 years to come to this realization. All things in due time.. Life is far too beautiful to get caught up in the misery that can be seen when you look closely. I have honestly found myself being more positive overall and handing it over to the universe rather than taking it on myself. So far so good... in all honesty, all I need to do is just trust myself and trust that life will turn out exactly the way it is supposed to. With a little guidance from me and a little direction with my desires.. everything turns out the way I intend it to based on my thoughts. I couldn't ask for more than being aware of my thoughts, my emotions, and my reaction to them. This is what life is all about... realizing this now will benefit me greatly in the long run..

This weekend I have been extremely generous giving lots of gifts to others based on the fact that I wanted to... I have things that I am not using.. and other people can find a great use for them I'm sure. It's a great feeling to be able to give... in return I am able to see the appreciation they have for the items I have given them...

Onward and upward

I have a telephone interview on Friday and I couldn't be more excited. I applied for this job a few weeks ago and I am thrilled to have the opportunity to speak with someone further in regard to this position! I cannot WAIT. I am going to prepare fully tomorrow evening and then go from there. I am amazed at what having a positive attitude can do for life. I see myself living in Madison very soon. I can visualize myself there living in a loft apartment with lots of light, a work out space, a garage for my car, and working downtown near or in the capital building. When I get a job there, I will have the feeling of fulfillment which is already very much there. The light airy feeling that i get when life feels like everything is exactly how it's supposed to be washes over me as soon as I put myself there in Madison. I am content where I am and I am enjoying this process much more than I had been, but I can see the opportunity for growth on so many more levels in Madison. So... the next step is just hours away. I cannot wait.

Life is just changing so much so and a lot of it is simply introspective before it becomes anything more than that. I am excited to see the next phase. I just told my step mom today I got my wings back and I am ready to fly.. when the time is right the time is right.. and the time is now.

Newness

I decided it was time to create a new blog.. new times require new blogs. I haven't written in a long time because I have been avoiding myself. What better way to do it than to just keep going. Writing forces me to focus, so if I want to keep living in a state of blur, I don't do it. Needless to say, I was too "busy" to bother lately. I am equally as busy at this point, but more willing to face the issues that I've been trying so hard to avoid. Nothing real overwhelmingly bad is happening at all. Everything seems to be falling into place as it should. I have a applied for a new position, I am in a new grad program, I am in a new apartment, I am sitting on new furniture, I am fortunate enough to drive a new car... I have no complaints.. the newness and fresh beginning is ever present in my life. I even have a new boss.. I hope I do get this new position. It would necessitate moving but I am more than ok with that option as well. I am looking for some serious new beginnings here. I have made quite a few changes in the recent past and I'm more than willing to continue on this path of self-enlightenment. It's so obvious to me when I am doing what I need to be doing because it all just falls together effortlessly and I don't even really think about what is happening. The more I stress about something, the more I know I am headed in the wrong direction. And.. the more miserable I am the more I know I need to focus on things that would make me happy. We all have those things.. for me it's pretty simple, good music, good friends, good food, exercise.. intellect.. they are all realtively small things and yet they mean so much. I really prefer the sun over the clouds. I realized that today when it was cloudy and I wasn't too happy the majority of the day.. I released myself from my "funk" by simply putting on some good tunes. Sometimes, the music is insturmental.. and sometimes it's a specific song, sometimes it's someone I've never heard before but it never fails to grab me from the funk I am in and steer me in a much healthier direction. I read a quote today that said it is not your job to "fix them". That is something I struggle with greatly. It ultimately boils down to me expecting other's expectations to match mine and expect my joy to be derived from their life accomplishments that are in tune with what I expect. That sounds so arrogant and self-fullfilling. In all reality, I always thought I just wanted to help.. andI do want to help, but part of me has a condition on that help, I want it to turn out my way. That too.. sounds arrogant. I have since decided, I am going to focus mostly on my joy rather than the joy of anyone else. I realize I am very helpful to many (they have told me so), but the one person I can help most is myself. I am not sure why it has taken me as long as it has to figure this one out or to finally realize that enough is enough, but today is the day. I love helping.. and I can continue to be there for individuals but I need to be there for myself in the very best possible way before I can be there for anyone else. Hypothetically I've known this all my life, but I guess this is the first time that I have chosen to acknowledge my lack of effort in accomplishing this task for myself.. So.. if I put forth even half as much effort as I do with someoneelse... with myself. I can only imagine the outcome. This is going to be good. I have always wanted to take care of people.. and the place to start is myself. I am finally ready to do that. The first step to doin this is going to get some rest. Until next time..