Newness

I decided it was time to create a new blog.. new times require new blogs. I haven't written in a long time because I have been avoiding myself. What better way to do it than to just keep going. Writing forces me to focus, so if I want to keep living in a state of blur, I don't do it. Needless to say, I was too "busy" to bother lately. I am equally as busy at this point, but more willing to face the issues that I've been trying so hard to avoid. Nothing real overwhelmingly bad is happening at all. Everything seems to be falling into place as it should. I have a applied for a new position, I am in a new grad program, I am in a new apartment, I am sitting on new furniture, I am fortunate enough to drive a new car... I have no complaints.. the newness and fresh beginning is ever present in my life. I even have a new boss.. I hope I do get this new position. It would necessitate moving but I am more than ok with that option as well. I am looking for some serious new beginnings here. I have made quite a few changes in the recent past and I'm more than willing to continue on this path of self-enlightenment. It's so obvious to me when I am doing what I need to be doing because it all just falls together effortlessly and I don't even really think about what is happening. The more I stress about something, the more I know I am headed in the wrong direction. And.. the more miserable I am the more I know I need to focus on things that would make me happy. We all have those things.. for me it's pretty simple, good music, good friends, good food, exercise.. intellect.. they are all realtively small things and yet they mean so much. I really prefer the sun over the clouds. I realized that today when it was cloudy and I wasn't too happy the majority of the day.. I released myself from my "funk" by simply putting on some good tunes. Sometimes, the music is insturmental.. and sometimes it's a specific song, sometimes it's someone I've never heard before but it never fails to grab me from the funk I am in and steer me in a much healthier direction. I read a quote today that said it is not your job to "fix them". That is something I struggle with greatly. It ultimately boils down to me expecting other's expectations to match mine and expect my joy to be derived from their life accomplishments that are in tune with what I expect. That sounds so arrogant and self-fullfilling. In all reality, I always thought I just wanted to help.. andI do want to help, but part of me has a condition on that help, I want it to turn out my way. That too.. sounds arrogant. I have since decided, I am going to focus mostly on my joy rather than the joy of anyone else. I realize I am very helpful to many (they have told me so), but the one person I can help most is myself. I am not sure why it has taken me as long as it has to figure this one out or to finally realize that enough is enough, but today is the day. I love helping.. and I can continue to be there for individuals but I need to be there for myself in the very best possible way before I can be there for anyone else. Hypothetically I've known this all my life, but I guess this is the first time that I have chosen to acknowledge my lack of effort in accomplishing this task for myself.. So.. if I put forth even half as much effort as I do with someoneelse... with myself. I can only imagine the outcome. This is going to be good. I have always wanted to take care of people.. and the place to start is myself. I am finally ready to do that. The first step to doin this is going to get some rest. Until next time..