Interesting Happenings..

So strangely enough I just read through a few of my older posts.. and ironically, I can remember writing them. As a read my words, I can remember how I felt.. hopeful.. but frustrated.. happy.. but sad.. delightful.. but a little tinge of a regret. That is no more.. sure I have my struggles.. but life is amazingly enough falling into place as I knew it would. That hope... is filling my heart with love and god's grace is guiding me every day. I met my love a little over three months ago. All these years I've been wanting.. wishing.. hoping.. and dreaming for him to come along.. and here he is. So.. lucky for me, all this is coming together. I graduate soon... I have the love of my life in my world... and I couldn't ask for more..

Here we go.

How is it that some people just find their way to your weaknesses. How is it that some people can be utterly ridiculous in their actions and just drive you insane and others can do the very same and you don't think twice. Lately I've been challenged at work and today I got really upset with a co-worker. He is constantly trying to undermine my authority and knows that I don't have as much as he'd like. He claims he "can't do everything." I wasn't asking him to do everything, however I was asking him to do one thing. What is amazing to me is that he can say no, and get a way with it. Who else in the organization can you call and say, by the way can you provide this information to me? No. I don't have time. That's not an acceptable response. I am going to have a conversation with my boss and ask him directly how he would like me to handle certain situations in the future. I understand we all have deadlines, but if I am not made aware of the expectations, I certainly can't meet them.

I am done playing games. This is a professional environment and everyone should be held to the same standard. I don't think that's too much to ask. I also was told by the consultant that he let the VP of HR know that I was brilliant and they'd be crazy to lose me. The VP agreed. It's nice to know that people from afar appreciate what I have to offer the organization. I just wish those sitting beneath my nose felt the same way. I am applying for jobs, cleaning up the one I've got, and getting on with life. Thankfully this isn't all there is for me and this is actually very small stepping stone in the grand scheme of life. I just need to stay focused on the prize.

When all else fails, at least there is hot chocolate and fires in the fireplace.
It's irritating that I let him get to me. I guess sometimes that happens and tomorrow is another day. Another day that I can rise above the insanity and continue to be who I am. If he chooses to be that person, that's fine, but i'll never be that person. I live mylife with integrity and purpose. There are some that choose to live an entirely different life. I just hope it is working for them. All I need to worry about is what is working for me.

I think this year will really mark a year of change. I'm excited to see what is in store for me. I know for sure.. the best is yet to come.

No one said it was easy

No one ever told me life would be easy. No one ever told me I'd meet the man of my dreams at age 25, fall madly in love, and live the happy life. No one ever promised me eternal happiness, I just expected it. Expectations have led me to many many many disappointments. Being the quick learner that I am, I decided to stop expecting. I did that, and now... well.. I expect the unexpected and I receive it. So what's worse.. expecting the absolute best and being disappointed, or expecting the unexpected and being disappointed. Either way, I end up disappointed at some level. Life is beautiful and I can't get dragged down in the craziness of it all. I need to maintain my focus.. I am easily distracted by better feeling thoughts.. and beings.. and I am very affected by others.. Or maybe I am that affected by myself. Who knows. All I know is I am struggling with my boundaries. I met someone who I thought was a lot of fun.. only to find out that he is in a whirlwind mess.. and it's hard for me to handle his stress and my own. He hasn't asked me to at all but by default I just kind of am thrown into it. in the end.. it's my choice as to whether or not I want to care too much.. but sadly, I like him a lot. He's a lot of fun.. and we have fun together. Granted.. I could probably have fun with someone else too.. but I haven't felt that way about someone in a long time. I haven't let down the guards in a long time.. and now I do and it's just a mess. So messy that i should probably close that door. I'm having a hard time doing that. What is it that I want? I want the companionship that he brings. He listens.. I would like to be with someone who pays close attention to me.. and what I am sayin and who understands. I'm not sure he understands and I know he has alot of things he needs to deal with. I can't do any of it for him... so here I am again.. knowing I need to walk away.. and hurting because I know i have to. This time it's different, this time I really don't want to. Maybe i'm not done yet? But I know I said everything I needed to say. We're spending a weekend apart and maybe something will come of the time apart.. a new sense of clarity.. something. This is depressing.. and it shouldn't be.. because it's not my life.. I've just allowed it to be. Funny how that can happen. I need sleep.

Unexpected

Death is never what you really thought it would be. Sometimes it sneaks up behind you and sometimes you have months to prepare for it. Sometimes it's tragic and sometimes it's peaceful and really you never know how it will all end. Today I heard one of my high school classmates was shot and killed just 40 minutes away. Apparently there was an altercation a few nights prior which then resulted in a confrontation leaving the classmate shot in the chest. It's hard for me to imagine. I remember him being a trouble maker but also just so funny. He was an attractive guy, good head on his shoulders. I didn't know him much, I just knew of him. He was always in my homeroom... and now he's gone to the other side. I wish him the best over there.. and I know all is well. He will be fine... he's just not here anymore and that's hard to understand. His time came much before anyone thought it would. He didn't have a chance to say good bye and many of his friends and family didn't get the chance to let him know they loved him and always will. This just confirms that it's important to take the time to let everyone know you care. Really death isn't supposed to be this tragic. If we all, including myself would just understand it's only exiting your physical body that's the problem.. the spiritual realm is ever present and we've never left.

Letting go and the law of attraction

I've been practicing the law of attraction for a year or so. I forget that I should be focusing on the greatness of my life.. start feeling sorry for myself and then do things that make me feel worse. Last night I went on a date with someone I don't want to see, communicated with another individual I don't want to see, and then interacted with another individual that obviously doesn't match who I am as a person. So why does one do this? I guess to fill the void. The void that cannot be filled with random people living random lives that I hope to have eventually turn into being something meaningful.. even when I know there is no chance. I guess the void is that of wanting to love and be loved. The problem is, when I engage in activities that are against my true self, I get further away from that which makes me feel alive and real and valued as a human being. From this day forward, I will honor myself. I will honor myself and remind myself constantly that I am deserving of love. I am deserving of being with someone that is emotionally available to be involved. I am deserving of being someone's everything, rather than someone's something. I am deserving of living the life that I've always wanted to live. I am deserving of life in all it's beauty. I am deserving of seeing life for what it is meant to be, and that is joyous.

All in all, my life is absolutely beautiful.... I have a humble, comfortable place to call home.. and I enjoy it. I am educated and becoming more educated. I am almost done with my master's degree. I meet some amazingly talented people through my friends and school.. and I am loved by many. There's no need to hang on to the past an any regret. There is only a need to move foward. One foot ahead of the other. Life is absolutely what you make of it. There's no time like now. Here.. and now. This is my life... isn't it beautiful?

Here I go again...

So is that choking feeling the feeling of needing to let go? Or is that choking feeling just a reminder of what was and is no longer? Is that chocking feeling just a piece of me wanting to move on faster than I physically am? Is that chocking feeling the very firm reminder that I can do better than this? Is that choking feeling just a little nudge to move to better thoughts, better people, and better focus? Is that choking feeling just my internal self reminding my physical self that there is more to life than what I am looking at for the moment? I think so. I need to let go, move on, and realize there is so much more. I need to open my eyes and see what I already know is there. I need to move forward without even considering looking back. As soon as I look back, even for a moment, I get a choking feeling. So here I go.. forward.. not backward. Moving in the direction I know is right for me and always has been.. realizing that people never really do change but there are people out there that match who you are and where you're headed... remembering to have faith in the little things and the belief will become a reality if I give it a chance... moving on... once and for all.. moving on. There is no reason to turn back. Life is only as amazing as we allow it to be... here we go.. here I go. Full steam ahead.. my destiny is for the making... and there's a white canvas that needs some painting.

I'm not sure how mindful this muttering will be.. more than likely it'll be far from mindful but I'll just run with it. The last few days have been less than enjoyable on so many fronts. I've been betrayed again.. by members of my "family." I use that term very loosely. My sister in law isn't a welcome member of my family. Unfortunately my brother welcomed her without consulting anyone else and life has been a mess on and off since then. I have to find a way to let her stuff go. She is not the reason I am who I am.... I need to just focus on me and spend a lot less time and energy worrying about why she is the way she is. This will never change. I can only continue to be who I am. I'm going to focus on a solution to this problem and forgive myself for the way I handled some of it.

The solution to this problem will be my brother and i having a very honest conversation about what this is really about. I'm ready to be done with his drama and it's his.. not mine.. so if this is the crap she wants to deal with and he's willing to tolerate it.. then I guess there's nothing I can do. I can continue to successfully live my life and move on. My life has so many great things.. I just have to focus on those..

life goes on..