No one said it was easy

No one ever told me life would be easy. No one ever told me I'd meet the man of my dreams at age 25, fall madly in love, and live the happy life. No one ever promised me eternal happiness, I just expected it. Expectations have led me to many many many disappointments. Being the quick learner that I am, I decided to stop expecting. I did that, and now... well.. I expect the unexpected and I receive it. So what's worse.. expecting the absolute best and being disappointed, or expecting the unexpected and being disappointed. Either way, I end up disappointed at some level. Life is beautiful and I can't get dragged down in the craziness of it all. I need to maintain my focus.. I am easily distracted by better feeling thoughts.. and beings.. and I am very affected by others.. Or maybe I am that affected by myself. Who knows. All I know is I am struggling with my boundaries. I met someone who I thought was a lot of fun.. only to find out that he is in a whirlwind mess.. and it's hard for me to handle his stress and my own. He hasn't asked me to at all but by default I just kind of am thrown into it. in the end.. it's my choice as to whether or not I want to care too much.. but sadly, I like him a lot. He's a lot of fun.. and we have fun together. Granted.. I could probably have fun with someone else too.. but I haven't felt that way about someone in a long time. I haven't let down the guards in a long time.. and now I do and it's just a mess. So messy that i should probably close that door. I'm having a hard time doing that. What is it that I want? I want the companionship that he brings. He listens.. I would like to be with someone who pays close attention to me.. and what I am sayin and who understands. I'm not sure he understands and I know he has alot of things he needs to deal with. I can't do any of it for him... so here I am again.. knowing I need to walk away.. and hurting because I know i have to. This time it's different, this time I really don't want to. Maybe i'm not done yet? But I know I said everything I needed to say. We're spending a weekend apart and maybe something will come of the time apart.. a new sense of clarity.. something. This is depressing.. and it shouldn't be.. because it's not my life.. I've just allowed it to be. Funny how that can happen. I need sleep.

Unexpected

Death is never what you really thought it would be. Sometimes it sneaks up behind you and sometimes you have months to prepare for it. Sometimes it's tragic and sometimes it's peaceful and really you never know how it will all end. Today I heard one of my high school classmates was shot and killed just 40 minutes away. Apparently there was an altercation a few nights prior which then resulted in a confrontation leaving the classmate shot in the chest. It's hard for me to imagine. I remember him being a trouble maker but also just so funny. He was an attractive guy, good head on his shoulders. I didn't know him much, I just knew of him. He was always in my homeroom... and now he's gone to the other side. I wish him the best over there.. and I know all is well. He will be fine... he's just not here anymore and that's hard to understand. His time came much before anyone thought it would. He didn't have a chance to say good bye and many of his friends and family didn't get the chance to let him know they loved him and always will. This just confirms that it's important to take the time to let everyone know you care. Really death isn't supposed to be this tragic. If we all, including myself would just understand it's only exiting your physical body that's the problem.. the spiritual realm is ever present and we've never left.