I'm not sure how mindful this muttering will be.. more than likely it'll be far from mindful but I'll just run with it. The last few days have been less than enjoyable on so many fronts. I've been betrayed again.. by members of my "family." I use that term very loosely. My sister in law isn't a welcome member of my family. Unfortunately my brother welcomed her without consulting anyone else and life has been a mess on and off since then. I have to find a way to let her stuff go. She is not the reason I am who I am.... I need to just focus on me and spend a lot less time and energy worrying about why she is the way she is. This will never change. I can only continue to be who I am. I'm going to focus on a solution to this problem and forgive myself for the way I handled some of it.

The solution to this problem will be my brother and i having a very honest conversation about what this is really about. I'm ready to be done with his drama and it's his.. not mine.. so if this is the crap she wants to deal with and he's willing to tolerate it.. then I guess there's nothing I can do. I can continue to successfully live my life and move on. My life has so many great things.. I just have to focus on those..

life goes on..

And so it is... just what i thought it would be...

Nothin's goin to change my world. Nothing is going to change my world.. except me. So today marks the day that I continue to put myself first and remind myself that no one deserves to be ahead of me. This is how it has been and will be for quite some time. There is no reason that it should be any different. For whatever reason I allow that to happen inermittantly and then I wonder why I can't find my groundin. Now I've found my grounding again, I think i'll be ok. All of this just gets pretty old and then I realize that I did it again. I should really just keep all of this in mind when I am attempting to move forward with my life. Don't jus tleave me hanging on. Back up back up... take another chance. Don't just leave me hangin on. I'll be better off .. better off.. without you boy. I shouldn't have to think that song.. ever. I already know I made the right decision for myself so I am free again. Which is where I need to be. Life.. is what I make of it. So I'm going to make the masterpiece I have been dreamin of all this time. I've met a few men.. left a few men... had some want to hang on.. let go while they held on.. and here I am again.. with myself. I am my own best friend. No one else can be what I am to myself.. so I better start treating myself how I'd want to be treate.d Without that, there's nothing. This isn't too hard to figure out. However, I seem to forget this every now and then. I'm old enough now that I don't really need that reminder anymore. This is a very good thing. I know this... and I come back to knowin it.. again and again. Showing myself the ultimate respect is the only way anyone else will follow through with my desires. This is the truth. So, I need to just continue to do that. I'm good at it. I'm only as good as I allow myself to be. The things I want to do now are.. get back to doing my yoga... play my piano, take a yoga class, take a dance class, start going to the gym again, rollerblade outside, bike outside, take pictures around town. Do things that help me be me. What I have been doing isn't it. Remember that.